Do you remember when Alice first fell down the rabbit hole? Before she was able to enter Wonderland, she was faced with a series of challenges – the infamous “drink me, eat me” vile and cake.  The past month I have found myself also locked in that room, except I’m alone and Alice ate all the cake. The doors are locked and no matter what size I am, I’m stuck in this room waiting to enter an unknown territory we like to call “adulthood,” which I’m learning is not a wonderland at all.  When I feel small and incapable, it is impossibly difficult to grow back up.  And if I feel suffocated and claustrophobic, there is no escape and no extra room.

The month of July was one of the most challenging seasons of my entire life. Every door I had open slammed shut and I was left standing in a room with not even a window to escape through.  Even Alice had that tiny door after she fell, but not me.  No doors.

This next chapter, where I’m a real part time cast member, has produced a number of new challenges that I never expected.  Now my roommates have moved on and I am still here and the dreams I originally dreamt aren’t quite as shiny as they used to be.  It’s a lot harder to be here without the community I grew to love so much standing by my side.  I’ve reimagined and reevaluated my dreams and goals, and that’s okay, but it’s hard. It’s a challenge no one prepares you for, and while you know you’re strong enough to overcome it, you still know it will take time.  So you realize maybe you’re more of the white rabbit running after time you don’t have than a princess, but that’s okay.  We all get to go to the tea party in the end.

I’ve always loved the way Alice blindly accepts the wonder of her situation instead of focusing on how terrifying it could all be.  I think that’s how every single CP starts at Disney, and then we learn the tough lesson that

we have to choose to see the wonder if we want it to still exist.

So now everyday I have to actively choose to see the wonder that I know still exists here. Even if right now I can’t see anything but a closed door, I will choose to look for a key.  I may be mad for trying, but  I’ll tell you a secret:

we’re all mad here

We all have individual rabbit holes we fall into and no matter what trips you, we all understand the feeling of falling.  We can feel the darkness wrap around us, the terror that it will never end, and the bigger fear of what comes next.  I may currently be falling, but I know there is a new adventure ahead of me.  I honestly have no idea what that means or looks like but I know it is there. And that should be exciting.  Right now it’s scary, and that’s okay too.   I can take comfort in the knowledge that

“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.”

-The Chesire Cat

I’ve never not known where I was going.  So while my life is scarier than the chesire cat’s grin right now, I know that it will not stay scary.  I’m going to pick up my flamingo cricket club and whack my problems straight on. I will repaint my roses, I will wait until a tiny door appears for me, eat the cake, and walk through.